The Bright Side Of Life

Cartoons, Humour and some stuff I got via e-mail (Author(s) unknown).

Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!
The World's Best Chat Up Lines (from the Saftsack)
Destroying the Borg (Thanks to Microsuck)

Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:

You can GET Chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have Chocolate while driving.
You can make Chocolate last as long as you want.
You can have Chocolate in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the Chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have Chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off Chocolate.
You can ask a stranger for Chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You can have Chocolate on top of your desk during work hours without upsetting your work mates.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with Chocolate.
With Chocolate you don't have to fake it.
Chocolate won't get you pregnant.
You can have Chocolate at any time of the month.
Good Chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of Chocolate as you can handle.
You are never too young or too old to have Chocolate.
When you have Chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
With Chocolate size doesn't matter, it is always good.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

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The World's Best Chat Up Lines:

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover".
Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
Can I flirt with you?
Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
[Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
[Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
Is your last name Gillette cause I hear your are the best a man can get.

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Destroying the Borg

(A Star Trek Lost Episodes transcript)

[Picard]
Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?

[Geordi]
Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology. (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)

[Riker looks puzzled.]
What the hell is 'Microsoft'?

[Data turns to answer..]
Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate.

[Picard]
But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?

[Data]
Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it will generate new requirements of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.

[Picard]
Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea.

... 15 Minutes Later ...

[Data]
Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and, as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade' yet.

[Geordi]
Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, But we still have not received anything regarding the 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase.

[Picard]
Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed.

[Data]
Sir, I believe the 'upgrade' has started I detect something called "Windows95". Something seems to be happening, their systems are starting to look unstable and needing more system resources. Captain, their systems seem to have locked trying to execute normal operational functions. Wait, they are re-powering.

[Riker]
Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence Riker 3F.

[Geordi, excited]
Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0!

[Picard]
Data, what do your scanners show?

[Data]
Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity.

[Picard]
Let's wait and see how long this 'Solitaire' can reduce their functionality.

.. Two Hours Pass . .. .

[Riker]
Geordi, what's the status on the Borg?

[Geordi]
As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

[Picard]
How much time will that buy us ?

[Data]
Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours.

[Geordi]
Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.

[Picard]
Identify.

[Data]
It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo

[Over the speakers]
THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP, MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS.

[Data]
The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects.

[Picard]
Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft.

[Riker]
Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!

[Data]
I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits.

[Riker and Picard together horrified]
LAWYERS !!

[Geordi]
It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.

[Data]
True, but apparently some must have survived.

[Riker]
They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with papers.

[Data]
I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal. The Borg are now attempting to contact for help, but the MONOPOLY refuses to answer.

[Riker]
They're transmitting more modules, system overload is eminent, it's tearing the Borg to pieces !

[Picard]
Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that...

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Created by Jochen Beier
New Design (2024) by Florian Beier