The Bright Side Of Life

Cartoons, Humour and some stuff I got via e-mail (Author(s) unknown).

Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex:

1. You can GET Chocolate.
2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
3. You can safely have Chocolate while driving.
4. You can make Chocolate last as long as you want.
5. You can have Chocolate in front of your mother.
6. If you bite the nuts too hard the Chocolate won't mind.
7. Two people of the same sex can have Chocolate without being called nasty names.
8. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off Chocolate.
9. You can ask a stranger for Chocolate without getting your face slapped.
10. You can have Chocolate on top of your desk during work hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You don't get hairs in your mouth with Chocolate.
12. With Chocolate you don't have to fake it.
13. Chocolate won't get you pregnant.
14. You can have Chocolate at any time of the month.
15. Good Chocolate is easy to find.
16. You can have as many kinds of Chocolate as you can handle.
17. You are never too young or too old to have Chocolate.
18. When you have Chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
19. With Chocolate size doesn't matter, it is always good.
20. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.

A Chemical Analysis Of An Element Called Woman:

Physical Properties:

1] surface usually covered in painted film,
2] boil at nothing, freeze without reason,
3] melt if given proper treatment,
4] bitter if used incorrectly,
5] found in various states, ranging from virgin metal, to common ore.

Chemical Properties:

1] poses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stone,
2] able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances,
3] may explode spontaneously if left alone with an opposite species most of them any way,
4] insoluble in liquid but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol,
5] yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Uses:

1] highly ornamental, especially in sports cars,
2] MOST POWERFUL MONEY-REDUCING AGENT known,
3] can be a great aid to relaxation.

Test:

1] pure specimen turns a rosy tint if discovered in a natural state,
2] turns green if placed beside a better specimen,
3] leave the reactants horny for a while,

Caution:

1] highly dangerous except in experienced hand,
2] illegal to possess more than one except in certain area (Utah,etc),

You Know You're A Physicist When ...

• If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
• If you enjoy pain.
• If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
• If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
• If you've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• If when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
• If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
• If you always do homework on Friday nights.
• If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• If you think in "math."
• If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
• If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
• If you have a pet named after a scientist.
• If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
• If you can translate English into Binary.
• If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
• a wind-chill factor in the lab.
• If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
• If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
• If you consider ANY non-science course "easy."
• If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
• If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
• If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.
• If you understood more than five of these indicators.
• If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

The World's Best Chat Up Lines:

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams. OR: I want to call your mother and thank her.
3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say "yes."]
4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?
6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is "legs". Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.
10. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.
11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover".
12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, "What are you doing?":] Checking to see if you were made in heaven. OR: Checking to see if you're the right size.
16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheese alert!]
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
25. Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So... How am I doin'?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you out of it?
31. I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
35. Is your last name Gillette cause I hear your are the best a man can get.

Destroying the Borg